Goodmorning! I am just taking a moment to vent I guess. I’m tired y’all! I’m tired of dieting, exercising, being responsible for whatever and whomever. I’ve been careful all of my life and right now I fee like being care free! If I don’t want to be presentable to the public eye, so be it. If I don’t want to comb my hair nice and neat, so be it. If I don’t want to dress professionally, so be it. It might be a sweat wearin, hair all over my head kinda day! And I don’t want to feel bad about it. The truth is, nobody can make me feel bad about any of this, only me. Which brings me to my next point.
Judgement……..that’s like a four letter word! Being a big girl, which I have been all my life, we are judged from the gate! It’s like being a black male in some ways, we have so many obstacles to overcome. People judge us by our appearance. We get ignored. I was in Hawaii once at a clothing store. I was purchasing something for my mom who is very thin. I go to pay for it and the salesperson asked me….”who is this for?” Really!?!? Who asks that question? First of all, it’s none of your business, and second of all, he could clearly see that it wasn’t for me. I was so mad, I didn’t purchase the dress. However, it did make me go get on yet another diet! Anyway……We get treated like less of a person, we don’t get the same job opportunities as our thinner counterparts. Well, let me rephrase that…..we may get the same opportunities and have the same credentials and be at the same table, but the moment someone has to choose between us or the “thinner” one, the “thinner” one is more apt to benefit from that opportunity. Let me be clear, I have absolutely nothing against thin people. I think it’s a blessing to be able to have a thinner frame and not put so much pressure on your skeletal structure and joints! Also I understand that just because someone has a thinner frame doesn’t mean they are any better or even healthier than me. I’m just bringing out that our struggles are different.
My life has been an ongoing journey of ups and downs when it comes to my weight. At my largest I was a biscuit away from 300lbs. I may have even gotten there I just may not have weighed that day. My lowest weight was while in high school at 170lbs. My current weight is 260lbs. For some reason I just keep hanging around there. I’m eating clean, exercising, getting my proper rest, don’t drink on a regular basis, don’t do drugs, etc. I live a pretty basic clean life. Yet I still can’t seem to get this extra poundage off. Yes I will be 50 in a minute, and am beginning to think my metabolism is slowing down, but I have been fighting like this for years now. Just recently though have I adopted the clean eating…..little to no sugar or flour, no fried foods, no sodas, no juice, little to no alcoholic beverages, exercising…..all of that. When I hear of people just cutting out soda, or juice, or fried foods, or one particular item from their diet and lose a truck load of weight…..I’m happy for them, but frustrated as hell for me! I just don’t get it. Then I think……well maybe it’s my hormones, which I do need to get checked out.
Anyway, I’m done venting for now. The take away from this is…….life is too short to spend it dieting and fretting over this weight issue. There is a scripture in the Bible that says “……let us lay aside every WEIGHT and the sin that does so easily beset us……Hebrews 12:1. The context may go much deeper than this, however, I am just making a point to lay aside our weight issues and get on with our lives. We have so much to offer the world, but can’t focus on what matters because we are consumed by this thing.
YES………make better choices, be mindful when we eat. Recognize your triggers and deal with them. Have a full blown conversation with yourself before you go through that drive through or pick up that pint of ice cream.
A conversation for me is like this…………….
“Oh my Gooooddddd!!!!! I have a taste for some double chocolate chip cookies from………..I’ve been good and haven’t really had any sweets in 2 days (really 2 days, but ok) I know I’m on my plan right now and I had a really great work out this morning , I can ‘treat’ myself to a couple of cookies. ( such twisted thinking, work off 300 calories and put back on 500 cuz I know I ain’t just eating two cookies, especially if they’re warm and soft!) Ok really, this may sound good right now Angie, but that instant gratification doesn’t always work in your favor. Think about how you will feel eating those cookies (good, happy, yummy, satisfied) now think about how you will feel after eating those cookies and the guilt trip you will put yourself through after eating those cookies (horrible, defeated, depressed, disappointed) Is it worth the cookie Angie? No…….ok no cookies for me, and I live to see another day.”
Yes it can be exhausting at times but I’m keeping it real. As I said the struggle is real and we need to support each other through it.