Good morning you amazing Human Being!
I have been on an amazing journey of self discovery and clarity. Boy have I discovered that I was not clear, on so many levels. I was addicted to food, depleted of everything, from energy, to sanity, to clarity, to lack of faith, lack of trust, lack of desire, lack of everything! I have just experienced what I call my “soul sabbatical”, which is a time where I took 2 weeks out of my entire life, without permanently doing it via suicide. I simply took a break from reality as I know it to be. In a most loving way….thank you Jesus.
I have been plagued with so many insecurities most of my life and from that, all kind of other issues had securely attach themselves to my very being. Unworthiness, distrusting, insecure, gluttonous, lazy, self blaming, doubtful, unloving, angry, bitter, resentful, depression, just to name a few. They became my best buds. You know the ones you rely on, your go to, your ride or die resource. Well that wasn’t serving me well, but oh what I had to go through to figure that out. So because one thing in my life that was constant is God, I ALWAYS know that I can call out to Him….911. I always knew that it never had to get to that point, but life just continues to happen and God just gets pushed farther and farther back in the background, at least for me. This is my experience.
One of the things that I had to realize is that those issues go beyond the food. Sometimes we think that because of food we have these issues. You know how it is said….”It’s not what you’re eating, but what’s eating you.” I will cut to the chase, one word honestly sums it all up……TRUST. For me God is everything. There is a verse that really speaks to me about this, it’s…..1John 4:16………this is MY breakdown of it….We know ( but really we don’t) how much God loves us, and we have put our TRUST in His love, (but really we haven’t ) God is love, ( He really is) and all who live in love, live in God, and God lives in them. So yes God is Love, and love is everything, I mean that’s all we all really want if we’re honest with ourselves. To love and to be loved. So God is Trust and Trust is God, and we have to put our trust in God, so for me trust in God is everything. I say that because without trust in God, you are literally going through this life fighting blindly for your life, floundering around, wearing yourself out,trying to be in CONTROL of EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY, with no back up and no real guidance or direction. That sucks, and is a horrible existence, and rather exhausting to say the least.
Instead of my trust in God to be my go to, it was food. You know how on the money it says “In God We Trust”, LIES LIES LIES…….like they change everything else, they need to put on there, ” In Food We Trust”, because really no matter how you look at it, that’s what most of us do anyway, if we’re really truthful. We put more trust in what we are going to put in our mouths than we put our trust in God. OUCH……..its ok, just sit with the pain for a minute, don’t go grab some food. Which by the way is what we do as well, it’s human nature to have and experience pain, but guess what? We sure as hell don’t like to feel it, and will do whatever it takes not to feel it. Usually we turn to our supplier for a quick fix, which is food. I’m speaking to myself as I write this is well, my stomach is growling right now!
The point I’m attempting to make is that we have to rely on God for our everything, because the reality is, He is our life Source, if He decided He wanted you to stop breathing for good right this second, you know you would totally stop breathing…..IJS. So when it boils down to it, why not put all of your trust in the One who can make it do what it do. In that process, we have to learn to trust ourselves as well. We need to be healed from our wrong thinking and behaviors, we have to literally deal with our past issues as children because that’s really where we learned all of this stuff. I save that for another blog.
My turning point was this. I had a discussion with someone who said they didn’t trust me with their heart. My ego immediately took a stand and was like, what…..I know you didn’t just go there! Attitude kicked in and I was like….I don’t trust you with mine either……how bout dem apples?! Then as I began to proceed with my day, I put myself in check, jumped in the shower and the Lord ever so lovingly, gently, and kind, said to me……”You don’t trust ME with your heart, you didn’t trust your parents with your heart, you don’t trust ANYBODY with your heart.” I simply began to profusely weep. It was such a revelation for me, because I honestly sat in that pain for a moment until I snapped out of it and asked the questions……..how do I trust you, what should I do, what does that even look like?????? He said to me……….”Trust Me and I will show you.” So from that point I felt so vulnerable and all that I ever knew about God I had to rely on in that very moment and think of how an infant is, they know NOTHING AT ALL!!!! Totally helpless and needing for someone with experience to lead me through this life. An infant / child trusts without even knowing that’s what they’re doing. They are simply being……..so that is what I did. I had no expectation of anything, I just said ok God lead the way, and whatever happens, happens. I completely surrendered, and He has fulfilled His end of the bargain.
Trust God that he will take you through whatever it is that is eating at you. When we REALLY deal with our truth and what that means for us, then the healing can begin. Gradually you will come to realize that instead of grabbing for the food, you will pause for a moment, take some deep breaths, allow yourself to feel the discomfort instead of numb it, get in touch with the issue at hand, and move forward. We have to first start off with being totally honest with ourselves, only ourselves to start, because God already knows. Stop lying to yourself about whatever….you already know, I know you’re exhausted and depleted. (This is just a suggested start, and I recommend that you are alone and in a sound proof room ideally. Take the time for yourself to do this, send the family off somewhere, or you go somewhere secluded. Somewhere you can not and will not be disturbed) Then you say, “Ok God, I want to be free, I need your help, help me to trust You with all that is in me, every fiber of my being, my very soul needs your help.” There is going to be some gut wrenching pain along the way, sit with it and feel it, stay focused on God, scream to the top of your lungs if you have to, let it all out. Then be still and sit quietly, listen for that still small, gentle, loving voice to tell you the next step. It might just tell you to go take a nap, who knows. Keep in mind that Gods voice will NEVER tell you to harm yourself or anyone else for that matter. ( Just thought I needed to say that) but the pain, it really does subside and then it allows you to move forward and begin the healing process, because ultimately, you will be okay. That’s all we ever really want to know is that all is well and we will be okay. Yes…..you will be okay.